31 quotes
Advice on Personal and Professional Boundaries
Nick Brady
Do not poop where you eat, remember? That's why they're no restaurants called The Bathroom'.
Footwear Advice for Different Occasions
Brewster
That was for the Crocs. You're not an old lady gardening or a baby on the beach. Okay? Now put on some shoes, you're embarrassing yourself.
Spelling Out Enthusiasm in Cheerleading
Coach Keith
How do you spell fired up'?
[yelling]
Cheerleaders
F! U!
Shawn Colfax
Not really...
Nick Brady
Uh-uh.
Cheer Camp Good Luck Wishes
Nick Brady
Hey, Carly !
Carly
Yeah, I know. It's the most beautiful name you've ever heard, my eyes look like forever and you love every bone in my body, especially yours.
Nick Brady
No, but that's a good one. Do you mind if I use it?
Shawn Colfax
No. No lines. We just wanted to wish you good luck in the cheer camp.
Carly
Guys, I know your game. No girl left unturned.
Shawn Colfax
What ?!
Nick Brady
How dare you ?!
Confidence in Winning Despite Distractions
Nick Brady
I could have one in my mouth and two in each hands and still win the straight award !
Identity and Masculinity in Brewster's Confession
Brewster
I'm Brewster. (whispers)Not my real name. My parents named me Jack. Jack - so strong, so masculine. We get it! You wanted a boy! Ma name's Jack! I punch bad guys and I kiss girls.
Brewster's Surreal List of Tasks
Brewster
Paint the fence. Cutting the cake. Hangman's noose. Hangman's noose!
The World is Flat According to Brewster
Brewster
I tell ya what, your jobs aren't just going over there, sailor. Some of us are coming over here. The world is flat like a son of a bitch.
Tongue Twisters and Political Names
Brewster
Red leather, yellow leather,red leather, yellow leather;Unique New York,unique New York; Barack Barack Barack Obama.
Honesty Over Deception in Relationships
Poppy
You can piss on my face, just don't tell me it's raining.
Questioning the Panthers' Identity
Shawn Colfax
Panthers out'? What are they, a knife gang?
Departure from Cheer Camp
Nick Brady
Kiss kiss, bang bang, bye bye. Cheer Camp. We are leaving, we are leaving. We are leaving.
Betting on Coach's Language at Camp
Nick Brady
Let's bet how many times he says shit'. I say seven.
Shawn Colfax
No way. Ten.
Nick Brady, Shawn Colfax
Hey coach!
Coach Byrnes
You shitheads think you're the shit? That you don't need to pay attention out there? I'll kick the shit outta ya! You pumped for football camp?
Shawn Colfax
Eh, I guess so.
Nick Brady
Yeah, two weeks without girls. Who wouldn't be pumped?
Coach Byrnes
Don't mess with me shitdick! I'm gonna push ya like you've never been pushed before. Your muscles will ache, your head will throb. You're gonna shit blood out of holes you never knew you had.
Nick Brady
Well at least we're gonna be in Daytona Beach.
Coach Byrnes
No no. They changed it up this year. Camp's gonna be in El Paso, Texas. Hotter than your shithole. We're gonna get you shits conditioned! Bus leaves Monday at o shithundred hours.
Nick Brady
Which is...?
Coach Byrnes
4:45 am.
Nick Brady
Of course.
Shawn Colfax
As usual.
Nick Brady
Mhmm.
Coach Byrnes
Skip your morning shit and get down there.
Nick Brady
Ten shits'. You win. How do you always know?
Shawn Colfax
It's a gift. I'm not proud of it.
Questioning Olive Garden's Social Atmosphere
Nick Brady
Bottomless breadsticks only keep you at the Olive Garden for so long, until at some point you look up and say Why the hell am I at the Olive Garden with all these fat people?
Struggling with Sexual Identity and Stereotypes
Nick Brady
Shut up! I'm too straight to be gay!
Sibling Dynamics and Unspoken Tensions
Shawn Colfax
Hiya sis!
Poppy
Why am I looking at you? Speak!
Nick Brady
Poppy, you're getting so big now! How old are you?
Poppy
I'm 60. Can we get past the small talk? The only time you and my brother come to see me is when you need something. What? Skin mags? Mike's Hard Lemonade? Another ride to the clinic?
Nick Brady
Poppy!
[appalled]
Misunderstandings and Name-Calling in Cheerleading
Carly
I know at the beginning I might've been a little against you two joining the squad.
Shawn Colfax
I believe you called us godless douche-monsters.
Carly
Actually, it was heartless boob- grabbers'.
Questioning the Routine's Communication Style
Nick Brady
We're doing a lot of talking during the routine. I'm new but, this seems like a lot of talking during the routine.
Thinking Outside the Box
Nick Brady
Look at that, huh? We're all here thinking inside the box, and you're outside of it, playing a little game of What If. Gorgeous and brilliant, the triple threat.
Winning Despite Unconventional Circumstances
Nick Brady
I could be watching Project Runway marathon with Nathan Lane under my blouse and still win the straight award.
The Uniqueness of Human Deception
Nick Brady
Humans are the only species that can lie, except for maybe chameleons. Oh, and possums, they play dead.
Misinterpreting a Bus Crash Situation
Nick Brady
I think our bus crashed and we're in heaven.
Shawn Colfax
No, we would've heard We are crashing, we we are crashing'.
A Shocking Revelation About Family and Identity
Nick Brady
So not only do I find out yesterday I'm adopted, the people I've been calling mom and dad are actually infertile impostors who bought me outside of a meth clinic in Cincinnati for two boxes of Sudafed, but I also get this news dropped on me: my birth father, Bruce, he needs a kidney and I'm the only match! And apparently Bruce needs it stat. Mhm, you need it stat, Bruce? Huh? Well maybe I needed a father stat, instead of this stay-at-home-dad who showers me with love every day of my life this goddamn spermless liar! So now I gotta be at Kaiser Permanente tomorrow at 6:00 am. I know, Bruce couldn't even afford a real hospital. Managed care. It's ironic, huh? He never managed to care for me.