6 quotes
Misunderstanding Leads to Family Revelation
James
May I help you?
Albert
I am here to see my son.
James
Sorry about that sir, I think you have the wrong apartment.
Albert
Is this Mollie and her son? I am the father.
James
So you say you are the boy's father?
Albert
Yes, and I would like to see my son! The law is on my side, buddy boy!
James
OK, if you are the father then maybe you can answer me these questions. When was he born?
Albert
July 3rd.
James
What is his favorite cereal?
Albert
I don't know.
James
Cheerios! What was his favorite stuffed animal, Fred or Barney? It's Fred right?
Albert
Uh yeah it's Fred.
James
No it's Barney, how many diapers does he go through in one day?
James
About six! Who is his favorite rock star? Michael Jackson! Seriously, do you not think a father ought to know some of these things about his children?
Albert
OK, how much is she paying you? Five dollars an hour?
Albert
Here, go have some fun at the video arcade!
James
Do not give me that shit!
Finding the Perfect Daddy
Taglines
He has got John Travolta's smile, Kirstie Alley's eyes and the voice of Bruce Willis...Now all he has to do is find himself the perfect daddy.
Divorce, Patience, and Curious Questions
Albert
Beth has finally agreed to a divorce. Oh Mollie, I am so glad you waited.
Mollie
I knew if I was patient, this day would come.
Rona
It says here that at the fourth month of pregnancy the baby's sexual organs become visible so depending on the gender it can identify the vulva or penis.
Mikey
Hey, what is that that just came out? Is that like my hands? If so I wonder if that could go in my mouth?
James
I will contact your husband for you.
Molly
I do not have a husband. I was artificially inseminated.
James
Are you a lesbo?
A Stylish Baby's Unique Personality
Taglines
He is hip, he is slick and he is only three months old.
A Mother's Determination to Find a Father
Mollie
(After Mikey gets born, she sees married men looking at the baby ward congratulating their wives and passing out cigars celebrating their newborns) Look at all those daddies down there. They are making goofball faces and taking pictures. Well, you will not find your father here. I really messed things up for you. I do not want you to be upset, because I am going to go out there and find you a daddy, and this time I am going to be smart about it. I am not going to go for some handsome guy just because I am in love with him. You are the only thing that matters to me, and I am going to go out there and I am going to get you the best daddy there is.
Mikey Praises the Bear Show
Mikey
Hey, it is the Bear Show! This guy is great.
[Seeing a commercial for Snuggle fabric softener]