Memorable Quotes from Rowan Atkinson
41 quotesUnexpected Thoughts on Sleep and Art
Kevin Langley
Hi, Beanie. Can't sleep, huh?
Mr. Bean
No.
Kevin Langley
Me neither. I can't stop thinking about naked women. What about you?
Mr. Bean
Whistler's Mother.
Kevin Langley
Well, whatever turns you on.
The Value of Intuition in Spying
Johnny English
A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, a finely tuned ear and a slightly bigger brain than is strictly necessary.
Panic Over a Missing Painting
David Langley
Seems to be a problem with the...'...door. Where's the picture gone?
[notices Bean trying to block the main door; notices the "Whistler's Mother" painting is gone]
Mr. Bean
Uh... Um, uh...
David Langley
What? What? What? What? OH, JESUS! OH, GOD! OH, OH, JESUS! GOD, OH! MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS! JESUS OF NAZARETH! Wait a minute... Why am I worried about this?! You did it! All I have to do is go out and tell them what happened! Oh, perfect! Then they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I say, "Me"! And they'll say "You're fired!" I say "Fine"! No, no, no, no, no! Then they say "Firing's not enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence." Then I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick! All right, calm down. I just gotta calm down. Okay, okay. Give me one more look at the painting. OH, GOD! OH, GOD! GOD! OH, GOD!
[Bean picks up the painting with the tarp over it and drops the tarp to reveal a poorly drawn cartoon face over the damaged spot; David freaks out; Bean quickly turns the painting away while David shuts the door and locks it; takes a deep breath; Bean shows David the painting again; David freaks out once again; David screams out of the window]
Beach Destination Inquiry
Sabine
Who are you? Where are you going?
[after finding out Mr. Bean is wanted by the whole of France, angrily]
Mr. Bean
To the beach.
[takes out picture of Cannes and points to it]
A Secure Location in England
Funeral Officer
Everything in order, English?
Johnny English
I think you'll find it's more than just in order, sir. You are now entering the most secure location in the whole of England.
[a bomb explodes in the distance, killing all the British agents]
Sonic Chanting Enables Vision in Darkness
Johnny English
It may be pitch black, but we can still see.
Bough
How?
Johnny English
The Bedouin monks of the Al Magreb Mountains developed a system of sonic chanting.
Bough
I see, sir.
Johnny English
The sound of their chanting would bounce back off any obstacles, and using their highly tuned ears they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.
Bough
Brilliant, sir.
Johnny English
However, you must always sing in E-flat. E-E-E-E flat, E-E-E flat, E-flaaaaaaat! Thaaaaank you for the music, the songs I'm singing--
[singing]
Bough
Is it working, sir?
Johnny English
Extremely well, thank you, Bough. Thanks for all the joy they're-- Ow!
[singing; Johnny hits the tunnel wall]
Questioning a Unusual Tattoo Message
Johnny English
Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words, "Jesus is coming – look busy"?
[Addressing the Archbishop of Canterbury, who he believes to be an impostor]
Time Perception and Uncertainty
David Langley
Doesn't it take, like, five hours? Right?
Mr. Bean
...not... necessarily.
Chanting of the Bedouin Monks Explained
Johnny English
Have you heard of the chanting of the Bedouin monks of the Almaghreb mountains?
[speaking to Bough]
Call for Immediate Arrest and Detention
Johnny English
Arrest that man... and lock him away!
[after accidentally being crowned king; points to Sauvage after a pause; the crowd cheers as four guards take Sauvage away]
Mistakes Are Unfamiliar to Johnny English
Johnny English
The word mistake sir is not one that appears in my dictionary.
Police Pursuit at LAX Terminal
LAX Police Officer 1
Police! Get on him now! Move it!
LAX Police Officer 3
Move it!
LAX Police Officer 1
Police! Come on! Come on, watch it! Watch it! Everybody, out of the way!
LAX Police Officer 1
In pursuit of a 415, man with a gun heading into zone 10, terminal 2. Get the team over here now.
LAX Police Officer 1
Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Move it! Move! Move! Move! Police! Coming through!
LAX Police Officer 1
Come on, lady! Watch it! Move!
LAX Police Officer 1
There he is! There he is! Move! Move! Move! Police! Everyone on the floor! Now!
[Everybody lies down on the floor including Bean]
Old Woman
Not you, sweetie.
Mr. Bean
Oh, right.
LAX Police Officer 1
Carefully take out your weapon, holding the butt with two fingers only. Slowly place it on the floor and take three steps back.
LAX Police Officer 1
What is this?
LAX Police Officer 2
I don't know. Weird.
Lieutenant Brutus
Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?
Mr. Bean
Not that I know of.
Lieutenant Brutus
Well, you could certainly use something.
The Value of Simply Observing Art
David Langley
Well, sir, an unorthodox start; but I never expected things with a man of your caliber to be normal. I must confess, I've never actually read any of your work. Tell me, doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery?
Mr. Bean
I sit in the corner... and look at the paintings.
David
Ah! That is brilliant! If only more scholars would do that, just sit and look, not lecture and write and argue, but just sit and look at the paintings themselves. Now that is brilliant. Yeah.
Cooking Expectations and Time Constraints
David Langley
How could I forget?! What the hell are we going to give them?! Yes, I think they may be expecting something slightly more formal. Onion?! Just on its own?! No, no, don't be ridiculous! That's for Thanksgiving! Alison would kill me! No, there must be something else. Have you ever cooked one of these before?
[hurries into the kitchen; Bean pulls two hot dogs out of the fridge; Bean puts the hot dogs back and pulls out an onion; Bean puts the onion back and pulls out a Thanksgiving turkey; looks in the fridge]
Mr. Bean
Oh, yes.
David Langley
But, anyway, it would take, like, five hours, right?
Mr. Bean
Not necessarily. What do you think, 20 minutes?
[cuts to Bean and David stuffing the turkey into the microwave; sets the timer]
David Langley
I-I don't know. You're sure this is gonna work? Okay, you're the chef. Just put on some vegetables and come and say hello.
[Bean nods]
A Decision Between Action and Inaction
Lorna Campbell
What are you going to do, Johnny? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you gonna get out there and save your country?
Johnny English
I'm gonna sit in the flat.
Curious Inquiry About Unique Bird Species
Johnny English
Are you familiar with the shaman throat warblers of the Guatemalan Delta?
[speaking to Lorna]
Consequences of Choices and Sacrifices
Father Julius
You know what you've done, Julius. You've sold your soul for ]
[[w:Thirty pieces of silver|thirty pieces of chocolate.]
Blood Tests and Frustration in Dialogue
Johnny English
My God, what have they done to you?
Elderly Man
They've taken some of my blood.
Johnny English
Bastards.
Elderly Man
It's only for tests
Johnny English
Of course it is, come on my friend, lets get you out of here before they take anything else
Mr. Bean's Unexpected Exclamation
Mr. Bean
Espèce de canard!
[imitating Sabine after she insults a car overtaking them]
A Lighthearted Reminder to Stay Composed
Johnny English
Oh, pull yourself together, it's only a little bit of poo!
[After climbing into a castle via the sewage system]
Mystery of the Enchanted College Students
Velma
What's the problem, exactly?
Mondavarious
I believe somebody is casting a spell on the students. Now listen and look around. Can you notice any difference between those arriving and those departing?
Daphne
They look like sober, well-behaved college kids.
Mondavarious
Precisely. And they didn't before they came. They've changed. In other words, a magic spell.
Mr. Bean Wins a Holiday Raffle Prize
Vicar
Three one! Thirty-one. Ah, Mrs. Lucas!
[everybody claps their hands]
Mrs. Lucas
Over here!
Vicar
Congratulations, Mrs. Lucas. And now to the first prize in today's raffle in aid of the "roof appeal." Thank you Lily. ], causing "]" to play] Indeed. The magnificent holiday to the south of France, kindly sponsored by Dalesborough Travel Limited. So, thank you guys. The winner of this prize will travel by Eurostar train to Paris then catch the fast train south before spending the week on the beaches of the French Riviera. This fabulous prize also includes 200 euros spending money and Barbara, this wonderful video camera kindly donated by A&K Electrics of Arbor Road. The winner of this amazing prize is: 9-1-9. Nine one nine. Anybody have ticket 9-1-9? If there is no claimant, I'll have to pick another ticket from the bucket. Anyone?
[the crowd stop clapping their hands; Bean pops out of the crowd; A nearby little girl named Lily turns on her [[iPod; [w:La Mer (song)|La Mer; everybody at the church, including Bean, clap their hands again; Bean sees that his ticket number is 6-1-6 which disgruntles him and causes him to dump it on a toy truck; Bean sees his ticket number upside down which reads 919, surprising him; right before the vicar gets another ticket from the bucket Bean quickly raises his ticket up as 9-1-9]
Mr. Bean
YES!!!
[everybody looks back at Bean and cheer as Bean joyfully walks to the stage, triumphant about winning the prize]
Perceptions of Genius and Responsibility
David Langley
Incredible! you set?
[after riding at the Ride of Doom for the first time; David wakes up Bean who was sleeping throughout the ride and gets startled]
Lieutenant Brutus
He's a genius, huh?
David Langley
That's what they tell me.
Lieutenant Brutus
Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me. Are you willing to take responsibility for his actions?
Mr. Bean
BOO!
David Langley
Ohh!
Lieutenant Brutus
Well, you're a braver man than me, and I single-handedly take on gangs armed with AK-47s. Get him outta here. Tell him his is a butt I would dearly love to kick. And the next time, I will.
Defending England Against All Odds
Johnny English
You might have taken me, but you'll never take England. Not as long as I have breath in my body or a bullet in my gun.
[English pulls the trigger, but poo splurts out instead of a bullet]
Urgent Plea for James Bond's Return
James Bond
Oh, no.
Nigel Small-Fawcett
I'm sorry, Mr. Bond. Obviously caught you at a bad moment.
James Bond
M sent you.
Nigel Small-Fawcett
Only to plead for your return, sir. M says that without you in the service, he fears for the security of the civilized world.
James Bond
Never again.
Domino Petachi
Never?
Train Conversation About Coffee Preferences
Waitress on Train
Un café?
Mr. Bean
Oui.
Waitress on Train
Du sucre?
Mr. Bean
Non.
Waitress on Train
You speak very good French.
Mr. Bean
¡Gracias!
Investigation of a Professional Assailant
Pegasus
It's an unmitigated disaster, English!
Johnny English
I couldn't agree more, sir.
Pegasus
Well, we need to get those jewels back, English, and fast! Now tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.
[English is momentarily distracted by the sight of Pegasus's secretary (who he accidentally tranquilized earlier) scooting past the doors outside in a wheelchair, glaring at him]
Johnny English
Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.
[Uncomfortable; the 'assailant' was made up by him to account for him accidentally knocking a man out]
Pegasus
But he's the only lead we've got, English! We have to find him. Oh, come in. This is-this is Roger from Data Support. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?
[A man with a laptop walks into the room]
Johnny English
Well, he was... big.
Roger
Hair colour?
Johnny English
Umm... orange.
[looks around the room for ideas and spots a fruitbowl]
Pegasus
Orange?
[skeptical]
Johnny English
Mmh. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.
Johnny English
An eye patch, broken nose, very few teeth. Two, I would say at the most. And a scar on his cheek... in the shape... of a banana.
Roger
Which cheek?
Johnny English
Both cheeks. They sort of met in the middle.
Pegasus
Are you sure about this, English?
Johnny English
AH! Oh, that's him, An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.
[surprised by'' made-up appearance'']
Appreciation for a Powerful Weapon
Johnny English
(first lines) Ah, the Heckler and Koch G-36. Quite deadly in the right hands.
Unexpected Landing on Soft Ground
Bough
Are you all right, sir?
Johnny English
Yes, I landed on something quite soft.
Bough
That was me, sir.
Johnny English
Oh, good.
Seeking Information from the Doctor
Johnny English
Now, perhaps you could direct me to your evil paymaster.
Doctor
What are you talking about?
Johnny English
You know exactly what I'm talking about. Where is the office of Pascal Sauvage?
Bough
Are you coming over here in a minute, sir?
[over com-link]
Misunderstanding During Doctor's Visit
Alison Langley
Hello, Doctor.
Mr. Bean
Hello.
David Langley
No, no, no, no, Doctor, that is not for the TV, that's for the--
Cultural Clashes and Unpleasant Encounters
Lorna Campbell
You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Sauvage.
[watching Sauvage, who Johnny thinks is a waiter, standing just behind him]
Johnny English
No, thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.
Johnny English
Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage
Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.
Lorna Campbell
Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.
Pascal Sauvage
Enchanté.
Pascal Sauvage
But of course, you're Johnny English. I've heard all about you.
Johnny English Greets His Colleagues
Johnny English
Good morning, gentlemen! MI7 at your service.
Conflict During a Crowning Ceremony
Archbishop
I crown you--
[preparing to crown Sauvage]
Johnny English
Dammit!
[fails to grab the banner; swings back and forth on the wire]
Pascal Sauvage
Give it back!
[hands the orb and scepter back to the Archbishop and then springs up from the throne]
Johnny English
No!
Pascal Sauvage
That is my crown!
Johnny English
Never!
Pascal Sauvage
GIVE IT BACK!!!
Johnny English
Never in a million years, Sauvage!
Familiar Faces and Tense Interactions on the Island
Brad
Carol! Hey Carol, how's the island?
Carol
Are you tricking on me?
[with an angry tone]
Brad
Carol, it's me. It's Brad. We've known each other since we were, like, three--
Carol
Back off my grill, son.
[suddenly lifts up Brad in air]
Brad
CAROL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
[screaming in pure terror as Mystery Inc. watches in horror]
Mondavarious
I'm terrified. And if the young people come off the barge, the people I love the most, they are in danger.
Velma
I'm gonna solve this one first.
Fred
Not before I solve it first.
Mondavarious
Well done.
Daphne
You guys are gonna look like total, total idiots when you're captured and I'm the one saving you.
Nostalgia for the Classic Agent's Pen
Johnny English
Oh, reminds me of the old service-issue ballpoint. I remember every agent would carry a pen that looked just like this. Completely innocent to the untrained eye, but, click it twice--
[picks up a snazzy-looking golden ballpoint pen on the secretary's desk; clicks the pen twice, accidentally firing a mini-dart, which hits the secretary in the buttocks. She collapses]
Survival in the Kalahari Desert
Johnny English
I've been dropped into the Kalahari desert, carrying nothing but a toothbrush and a packet of Sherbet Lemons, and I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan.
Mr. Bean's Unique Art Interpretation
Mr. Bean
Well, hello, I'm Dr. Bean, apparently. And my job is to sit and look at paintings. So, what have I learned that I can say about this painting? Well, firstly, it's quite big, which is excellent. Because if it was really small, you know, microscopic, then hardly anyone would be able to see it, which would be a tremendous shame. Secondly... And I'm getting quite near the end of this analysis of this painting. Secondly... Why was it worth this man, here, spending 50 million of your American dollars on this portrait? And the answer is... Well, this picture is worth such a lot of money, because... it's a picture of Whistler's mother. And as I've learned, by staying with my best friend, David Langley, and his family, families are very important. And even though Mr. Whistler was perfectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat, who looked like she had a cactus lodged up her backside, he stuck with her... and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her. It's not just a painting. It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of, and that's marvelous. Well, that's what I think anyway.
[giving speech about the painting]
A Conversation About Drinking Preferences
David Langley
Hey, do you drink, Bean?
Mr. Bean
No.
David Langley
Good, neither do I.
Honesty and Suspicions in Unlikely Conversations
David Langley
Bean? I think we need to be honest with each other. I cannot deny that over the last days, some suspicions have begun to gather in my mind, and I would just like to ask you some direct questions. Ok? Number one - are you a doctor?
[clears throat]
Mr. Bean
No.
[shakes head]
David Langley
Number two: do you know anything about art?
Mr. Bean
Well...
David Langley
Oh, just for instance here, uh... was Leonardo Da Vinci an American basketball player?
[laughs]
Mr. Bean
...Yes.