31 quotes
Penguin Discomfort in Extreme Heat
Billy Madison
It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here.
Celebrating Nudie Magazine Day in October
Billy
Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember! What's today?
[drunk]
Frank
October?
Billy
It's Nudie Magazine Day!!
[realizes]
Desire for Snack Pack Satisfaction
Billy Madison
You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!
Respectful Treatment at the Zoo
Billy Madison
All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like.
Debate Over Favorite Video Game
Scotty
] on the ] is the best video game ever.
[[w:Mortal Kombat|Mortal Kombat; [w:Sega Genesis|Sega Genesis]
Billy
I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think ] is the best video game ever.
[[w:Donkey Kong|Donkey Kong]
Scotty
Donkey Kong sucks!
Billy
You know somethin'? YOU SUCK!
A Humorous Debate on Celebrity Preferences
Frank
Hey Billy, who would you rather bone? Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy
Jack Nicholson now or 1974?
Frank
74.
Billy
Meg Ryan.
The Benefits of Suntan Lotion
Billy Madison
Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! Smiley!
[first lines; singing while relaxing in his pool; makes a smiley face with his sunblock]
Facing Consequences in Billy Madison
Billy Madison
Now you're all in big, big trouble!
[at the dodgeball period]
Humorous Take on Chlorophyll
Billy Madison
Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?
Childhood Memories and Mischief
Frank
Well, this is great! When I graduated 1st grade all my dad did was tell me to get a job! Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?
Billy
Maybe later.
Frank
I'll go put some beer in a bucket.
Billy
Okay.
Unexpected Surprise for Old Man Clements
Brian
Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you're lookin for?
[to himself]
Billy
Here's a nice piece of shit! Old man Clements hates shit! He's gonna freak, when he realizes it's shit! Oh my God, Old Man Clements hates shit!
[goes up to the front porch of the Clements house, puts the bag down, lights it on fire, rings the doorbell, and hides behind the bushes with Jack and Frank; chuckles]
Frank
Shh, here he comes.
[snickering]
Old Man Ted Clements
Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara! It's one of those flaming bags again!
[from inside; emerges, and sees the flaming bag]
Old Woman Barbara Clements
Don't put it out with your boots, Ted!
[offscreen]
Old Man Ted Clements
Don't tell me my business, devil woman! Call the fire department; this one's out of control! Yuck! It's POOP again!
[stamps out flaming bag, but steps on something. He lifts up his boot and smells; he realizes it's poop]
Jack
He called the shit "poop"!
Frank
Oh, my God! This is the best night of my life!
[laughs some more]
Old Man Ted Clements
I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die!
[goes back inside the house]
Shampoo vs. Conditioner Debate in Billy Madison
Billy Madison
Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool?! Really! Stop lookin at me, swan!
[waves the shampoo bottle as if it is talking; waves the conditioner bottle to the same effect; waves the shampoo bottle; waves the conditioner bottle; then makes the shampoo and conditioner bottle "fight" each other before dropping both into the bathtub, then notices a golden swan-shaped faucet]
Questioning a Father's Decision and Influence
Billy Madison
Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?
Confronting Unwanted Opinions in Conversations
Billy Madison
Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?
[about Eric]
Indifference Towards Fame and Popularity
Principal Anderson
What do I care about some stupid, phony wrestling guy?
Snack Pack Trade Proposal
Billy Madison
I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh? Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? You know how badly I could beat you, right?
[to the little kid who's eating chocolate pudding; the little kid smiles and nods; the little kid smiles and shakes his head; the kid keeps smiling and nods]
Billy's Creative Blue Duck Drawing
Billy
I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before, and to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.
Miss Lippy
Well, I think it's an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade!
[amazed]
Billy
Wow, Miss Lippy, that's great! What do you think of that Mr. Blue Duck? That's quacktastic! Quack, quack, quack!
[surprised; as Mr. Blue Duck]
Classroom Distraction: A Focus on Learning
Billy Madison
No, I will not make out with you! Did you hear that?! This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what! All she's talking about is making out with me! I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!
[to the female high-school classmate; laughs]
A Playful Exchange on Past Achievements
Brian
Billy, it wasn't just high school. Do you remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?
Billy
Oh, no you didn't.
Brian
Rock...R-O-K.
Billy
Yeah, so what's your point?
Brian
R-O-C-K!
Billy
The C is silent, ha-ha!
Spelling Challenge in Second Grade
Teacher
Spell "couch".
Little girl
Couch. C-O-W...
Billy
No!
Teacher
No, I'm sorry, that's not right. Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade.
[to the little girl; to Billy]
Billy
Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?
Teacher
No I'm not goin to the mall, keep spelling, mister.
Billy
C-O-U-C-H!
Teacher
Correct!
[smiles]
Billy
I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!
Unintentional Disruption in a Conversation
Billy Madison
Oh. I see what's going on in here. So sorry to interrupt! Proceed!
[after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house; drunkenly; the penguin waves at him; turns to Veronica]
Consequence of Poor Decisions
Billy Madison
YOU BLEW IT!!
[after Ernie hangs up the phone]
Misguided Parenting and Personal Responsibility
Brian
You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
Billy
Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank.
[lifts his shirt to show "FRANK" written on the inside]
Brian
Yea, well whatever, it's all my fault. I made a mistake. What? Are you some damned moron?
[looks up to see Billy lifting his shirt]
Returning to School with Determination
Billy Madison
Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. Well, here goes nothin'.
[singing; the bus approaches; but the bus drives right passed him]
The Ownership of Milk Debate
Billy
H-Hey! Look at all this milk! You want some of this milk?
Veronica
That milk belongs to that classroom.
Billy
Oh, they don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.
Veronica
No milk will ever be our milk.
[leaves]
Billy
Ooh, that wasn't very nice. How bout you, Sideburns? You want some of this milk?
[to the janitor]
Janitor
I'd rather have a beer.
Prank Plan Involving Fire and Mischief
Billy Madison
You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!
[drunk]
The Importance of Commitment and Responsibility
Billy Madison
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy. The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: You got a pet. You got a responsibility. If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!
A Bold Plan for Proving Competence
Billy
Okay, alright...Alright, you got it. First Grade through Twelfth Grade all over again. I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.
Brian
That's some idea. You just think of that?
Billy
Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?
Eric
Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels and its sixty one thousand employees is too important to gamble on a game like this?
Brian
No. You're on.
[to Billy]