31 quotes
Missed Details Amidst Chaos and Blackmail
Tommy
Did I miss anything?
Hudson Hawk
Gates tries to blackmail me, you ask me "Did I miss anything?" Gates gets killed, you say "Did I miss anything?" I bet you went up to ] at ] and said "How was the show? ]
[[w:Mary Todd Lincoln|Mrs. Lincoln; [w:Ford's Theatre|Ford's Theatre; [w:Assassination of Abraham Lincoln|Did I miss anything?]
A Threat of Prolonged Torture
Darwin Mayflower
I'll torture you so slowly, you'll think it's a career.
Hat Convention Cancellation Announcement
Hudson Hawk
You won't be attending that hat convention in July!
[after decapitating Alfred]
Demanding Respect in a Tense Situation
Hudson Hawk
Look, you ]-looking motherfucker, someone better explain to me what is going on, or I ain't gonna move another muscle. I want to be treated like an adult!
[[w:Eddie Munster|Eddie Munster]
Darwin Mayflower
That's fair. Now go to your room!
Life's Absurdity in Modern Luxury
Darwin Mayflower
If ] were alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked, in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us.
[[w:Leonardo Da Vinci|Da Vinci]
Threats of Violence and Revenge
Darwin Mayflower
I'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom!
Trophies of Chaos and Mastery
Darwin Mayflower
History, tradition, culture... are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we will cause with this machine will be our final masterpiece!
Unexpected Recognition Among Old Acquaintances
Hudson Hawk
Don't I know you?
George Kaplan
The last time you saw me, I was bald, with a beard and no mustache, and I had a different nose. So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended.
Hudson Hawk
My high school science teacher?
A Colorful Insult from Tommy Five-Tone
Tommy Five-Tone
That doughnut-hole-eating, son-of-a-bitch, take-it-in-the-ear-for-a-beer, rat bastard!
Nostalgic Reflections on Rome and Violence
George Kaplan
I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Rome. I did my first bare-handed strangulation here. Communist politician.
Hudson Hawk
Why, George, you old softie.
A Dolphin's Curious Reflections on Taste
Anna
(drugged) I feel like a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow. What does the color blue taste like? Bobo knows! (laughs) I must speak with the dolphins now. Eeeee-eeee-eee-eeeeeee!
The Value of Gold Over Paper Money
Darwin Mayflower
Money isn't everything - gold is. Fuck T-bills! Fuck blue chip stocks! Fuck junk bonds! We've got the real deal! Money will always be paper, but gold will always be GOLD!
Confrontation with the Old Man
Hudson Hawk
Hey! Old Man! Yeah, you! You come back here without your little Cub Scout army, and I'll kick your Centrally Intelligent Ass up one side of the piazza and down the other!
Embracing the Role of the Villain
Darwin Mayflower
What can I tell you? I'm the villain.
A Comedic Moment of Frustration
Snickers
(leaping around desperately) Get this fucking thing off my head!
Hudson Hawk
Hey Tommy, look at Snickers.
Tommy Five-Tone
Yeah, he's about to have a bad migraine.
A Humorous Take on Crime Family Status
Hudson Hawk
If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, "Kiss my ass." But considering your status, I will say, "Slurp my butt.
A Distraction During a Serious Discussion
Darwin Mayflower
The last ingredient in the recipe is Da Vinci's model of a helicopter...
Minerva Mayflower
...on display for three days only at the ] in Paris.
[[w:Louvre|Louvre]
Hudson Hawk
As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin?
Darwin Mayflower
Shut up! You're gonna make me lose my train of thought.
Humorous Take on Driving Anxiety
Hudson Hawk
How am I driving? 1-800-I'm-gonna-fucking-die!
From Regular Joe to World Domination
Darwin Mayflower
This might be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular Joe. I just want to be happy. And happiness comes from the achievement of goals. It's just that when you've made your first billion by the age of 19, it's hard to keep coming up with new ones! But finally, I've got myself a new goal: WORLD DOMINATION!
Nostalgia for a Different Time and Fear
George Kaplan
God, I miss ]. The Red threat. People were scared, the ] had some respect, and I got laid every night.
[[Communism; [w:Central Intelligence Agency|Agency]
Unexpected Plans and Shopping List Humor
Snickers
Good news Hawk, the Mayflowers have moved up the timetable, you're hitting the Vatican tonight.
Hudson Hawk
Oh, no! No no, hold on, no way! The timing is off, I'm underequipped, and besides that, I've got a date.
Almond Joy
(reading Hawk's shopping list) Grapple, biker's bottle, pocket fisherman, olive oil, 100 stamps? Gee stud, this's going to be some date! No Harvey's Bristol Cream?
Love and Loyalty in Unconventional Forms
Anna
It doesn't mean I don't love you.
Hudson Hawk
Oh, no, you love me! It's your job! You probably love Butterfinger over there.
Anna
Well, yeah, in a weird sort of Catholic way, I do.
Blackmailed by a Psychotic Corporation
Hudson Hawk
Hi, I'm being blackmailed into robbing ] by a psychotic American corporation and the ].
[[Vatican City; [w:Central Intelligence Agency|C.I.A.]
Misunderstanding Punks and Their Quirky Beliefs
George Kaplan
Punks. They think that the "]" is an herbal tea and that the ] has something to do with penguins.
[[w:Bay of Pigs|Bay of Pigs; [w:Cold War|Cold War]
Family Dynamics and Financial Arrangements
Darwin Mayflower
So, Hawkmeister. We've got you clothes, a great hotel and a 250,000 lira per diem.
Minerva Mayflower
That's 200 dollars a day. So he can get a hooker and some tequila? Veto, Darwin!
Hudson Hawk
I guess we see who wears the penis in this family.
Breakfast Explosions and Afternoon Snacks
George Kaplan
We blow up space shuttles for breakfast. You and your friend Tommy are nothing more than... a late afternoon Triscuit. Ciao.
A Damsel's Unique Perspective on Challenges
Anna
(drugged) I'm not a very good damsel in a dress, am I? (manly voice) You must pay the rent! (girly voice) But I can't pay the rent! (makes dolphin noises)
Stamp Collection Conversation
Butterfinger
Hey Mr. Hawk, I got your stamps.
Hudson Hawk
(imitating BooBoo) Good, ].
[[w:Yogi Bear|Yogi]