31 quotes
Self-Reflection and Body Image Concerns
Shrek
A cute, potato nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm-I'm...
[Jill: Gorgeous.]
Reunion and Revelry in Shrek's Home
Shrek
It's so good to be home! Just you and me and...
Donkey
Two can be as bad as one...
Shrek
Donkey?
Donkey
Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How bout a side of sugar for the steed?
Shrek
Donkey, what are you doing here?
Donkey
Oh, I was just taking care of your love nest for you!
Shrek
Oh, you mean like sorting the mail and watering the plants?
Donkey
Yeah, and feeding the fish!
Shrek
I don't have any fish.
Donkey
You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona. That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your...
[mumbling]
Shrek
Oh, will you look at the time? I guess you'd better be going.
Donkey
Don't you wanna tell me all about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi?
Fiona
Actually, Donkey, shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon?
Donkey
Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. So I thought I'd move back in with you guys!
Fiona
Well, you know, we're always happy to see you, Donkey.
Shrek
But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone.
Donkey
Say no more, say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you.
Shrek
Donkey!
Donkey
Yes, roomie?
Shrek
You're bothering me.
Donkey
Oh, okay, all right. Cool. Me and Pinocchio were just gonna try to catch a tournament anyway, so maybe I'll see y'all on Sunday for a barbecue or something.
Shrek
He'll be fine. Now where were we? Oh, I think I remember. Donkey!
Donkey
I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going! Hey, what do you want me to tell those other guys?
Visit to the Fairy Godmother's Office
Shrek
Hi. I'm here to see...
Jerome
The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry, she is not in.
Fairy Godmother
Jerome! Coffee and a monte Christo, now.
[from the gramophone intercom]
Jerome
Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. Look, she's not seeing any client today, okay?
[sighs; to Shrek]
Shrek
That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.
Jerome
The union?
Shrek
We represent the workers in all magical industries both evil and benign.
Jerome
Oh, oh, right.
Shrek
Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
Jerome
Uh... A little. W-We don't even have dental.
[turns the gramophone intercom away from him]
Shrek
They don't even have dental. Okay, we're just gonna have a look around. Oh, by the way, I think it would better if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. Know what I'm saying? Huh?
[whispers to Donkey; to Jerome]
Donkey
Hmm?
Shrek
Huh?
Donkey
Huh? Huh?! HUH?!?!
Shrek
Stop it!
Jerome
Of course. Go right in.
Ogres and Fairy Tales: A Disagreement
Fairy Godmother
Ah, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh... "Princess"! Cinderella. Here we are: "Lived happily ever after." Oh. No ogres. Let's see. Snow White. "A handsome prince." Ah, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres. Hansel and Gretel. No. Thumbelina. No! The Golden Bird, The Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman. No, no, no, no, NO! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after.
[fake chuckles]
Shrek
Alright, look, lady!
Fairy Godmother
Don't you point those dirty green sausages at me!
[pushes his finger out of her face]
Worker
Your Monte Christo and coffee. Oh! Sorry.
Shrek
Ah, that's okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother.
Fairy Godmother
Just… go.
Shrek
Come on, guys.
A Royal Invitation to a Ball
Messenger
Enough, Reggie. "Dearest, Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing upon you and your... uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka, Mom and Dad.
Fiona
Mom and Dad?
Shrek
Prince Charming?
Donkey
Royal ball?! Can I come?
Shrek
We're not going.
Fiona and Donkey
What?
[shocked]
Shrek
I mean, don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this?
Fiona
Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry, they're gonna love you, too.
Shrek
Yeah, right. Somehow, I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club.
Fiona
Will you stop it? They're not like that.
Shrek
Then how do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
Fiona
Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance!
Shrek
Oh, to do what, sharpen their pitchforks?
Fiona
No, they just want to give you their blessing.
Shrek
Oh, great. Now I need their blessing?
Fiona
Well, if you wanna be a part of this family, yes!
Shrek
And who says I want to be a part of this family?
Fiona
You did, when you married me!
Shrek
Well, there's some fine print for you!
Fiona
So, that's it? You won't come?
[exasperated sigh]
Shrek
Trust me, it's a bad idea. We are not going, and that's final!
Unexpected Introductions at an Unusual Gathering
Shrek
Fiona? Fiona?!
[barges into the room along with Donkey. Fairy Godmother gasps at Shrek]
Donkey
Oh, you got a puppy?! All I got in my room was shampoo.
Fiona
Oh, um, Fairy Godmother, furniture, I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek.
Fairy Godmother
Your husband? What did you say? When did this happen?
[confused]
Fiona
Shrek is the one who rescued me.
Fairy Godmother
But that can't be right!
[angrily]
Shrek
Oh, great! More relatives!
Fiona
She's just trying to help.
Shrek
Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving.
Fiona
What?!
Donkey
Leaving? I don't wanna leave.
Fiona
When did you decide this?
Shrek
Shortly after arrivin'.
[as he is packs]
Fiona
Look, I'm sorry...
[remorsefully]
Fairy Godmother
No, no, no, that's okay. I need to go anyway. But remember, dear, if you should ever need me, happiness is just a teardrop away.
[whips out a "Happiness" business card]
Shrek
Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy.
[snatches the "Happiness" card from Fairy Godmother]
Fairy Godmother
So I see. Let's go, Kyle.
[laughs in a not so good way; Kyle whips the horses on the carriage and he and the Fairy Godmother leaves]
Fiona
Very nice, Shrek.
[sarcastically]
Shrek
What? I told you that comin here was a bad idea.
Fiona
You could have at least tried to get along with my father.
Shrek
You know, somehow, I don't think I was going to get daddy's blessing, even if I did want it.
Fiona
Well, do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted?
[as a bichon Frise starts barking]
Shrek
Sure. Do you want me to pack for you?!
Fiona
You're unbelievable! You're behavin like a...
[hesitates and sighs]
Shrek
Go on, say it!
Fiona
Like an OGRE!
Shrek
Well, here's a newsflash for you, whether your parents like it or not, I AM AN OGRE! And guess what, Princess? That's NOT about to change.
[the puppy barks even louder; Shrek roars at it; the puppy whimpers and covers its face in fear]
Fiona
I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that.
[sadly walks to the door; leaves]
Donkey
That's real smooth, Shrek. I AM OGRE! UARGH!
Harold
I knew this would happen!
[after hearing Shrek and Fiona's argument]
Lillian
You should. You started it.
Harold
I can hardly believe that, Lillian. I mean, really, he's the ogre, not me.
Lillian
I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice.
Harold
Yes, but she was supposed to choose the prince we picked out for her! I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... this... thing?
Lillian
Fiona does, and she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young and oh, we used to walk down by the lily pond and they were in bloom.
[Harold sighs]
Harold
Our first kiss. IT'S NOT THE SAME! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a MONSTER!
Lillian
Oh, stop bein such a drama king.
Harold
Fine! Fine, pretend that there's nothing wrong! La-di-da, di-da, di-da! It's all wonderful! I like to know how could it get any worse!
[as Fairy Godmother's carriage approaches]
Fairy Godmother
Hello, Harold.
[opens the door]
Harold
Aaah!
[scared]
Lillian
What happened?
Harold
Uh, nothing! Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I’ll just stretch it out here for a while.
[chuckles; closes the balcony door]
Fairy Godmother
You better get in. We need to talk.
Harold
Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, um how about… we make this a quick visit. What? Oh, hello.
[yawns; bumps into two of her henchmen, who then gets him in the carriage]
A Humorous Encounter with a Fearsome Cat
Puss in Boots
Ha-ha. Fear me if you dare.
Shrek
Oh, look at little cat.
Donkey
Look out, Shrek.
Shrek
It's a cat, Donkey. Come here little, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on. Kitty.
[Puss screeches and attacks Shrek and he screams]
Donkey
Hold on, Shrek!
[gasps in shocked]
Shrek
GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! OH, GOD!
Donkey
Shrek, hold still! Did I miss?
[kicks the Shrek's bottom and moans]
Shrek
No, you got them.
[painfully]
Puss in Boots
Now ye ogre! Pray for mercy from... Puss in Boots!
[after attacks Shrek; slashes "P" on the tree]
Shrek
I'll kill that cat!
Puss in Boots
Ah-ha-ha-ha! Phew. Hairball.
[He drops the sword, then starts heaves for a second, confusing Shrek and Donkey. Then spits out the hairball and coughs; chuckles]
Donkey
Oh, that is nasty!
Shrek
What do you reckon we should do with him?
[picks up Puss by the back of the neck]
Donkey
I say we take the sword and neuter him right here. Give him the Bob Barker treatment!
Puss in Boots
Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor! I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The king offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers-
[frightened]
Shrek
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this?
[covers his Puss' mouth with his Shrek's finger]
Puss in Boots
The rich king? Sí.
[Shrek drops Puss to the ground, Puss screeches]
Shrek
Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing.
[sighs]
Donkey
Oh, come on, Shrek, don't feel bad. ]
[[w:Skylanders|Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.]
Shrek
Gee, thanks. Maybe Fiona would have been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming.
[sits on the rock; looks down at the river reflection and sighs]
Puss in Boots
Sí, that's what the king said. Oh, uh...sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
[Donkey stares angry]
Donkey
Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her.
[walks over to Shrek]
Shrek
Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just...I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness." "A tear drop away." Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you!
[pauses out; to Donkey; pulls out Fairy Godmother's business card; flips it over]
Donkey
Oh, man, where do I begin? Well first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. I ain't never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party and he had the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got all drunk and start beatin me with a stick going, "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?!
Shrek
No, Donkey, I need you to cry!
Donkey
Yeah, well don't go projecting on me! I know you're feelin bad, but you gotta let your own- OW!!!!!!!!! You little hairy litter-licking sack of...
[Puss angrily stomps on his hoof; tearfuls; Donkey's tears sheds and Shrek let us it falls onto the card. A bubble is conjured, and Fairy Godmother appears in it]
Fairy Godmother
What? Is it on? Is it on? This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After!
["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing; clears her throat; Bubble pops]
Donkey
Ohhh.
Shrek
Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?
Donkey
That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! Ain't no stoppin us now! Whoo! We're on the move!
[singing]
Puss in Boots
Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you.
Shrek
Join the club. We've got jackets.
Puss in Boots
On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine.
Donkey
I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let's go, Shrek! Shrek? Shrek!
[sees Shrek walking to Puss; slight pauses out; Shrek looks down at Puss, who gives him a cute, helpless look. Shrek smiles]
Shrek
Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Aw, let's keep him!
Donkey
Say what?!
[Puss purrs and Shrek marvels at his cuteness. Donkey groans in frustration]
Shrek
Aw, listen. He’s purring!
Donkey
Oh, so now it's cute!
Shrek
Aw, come on, Donkey. Lighten up.
Donkey
Lighten up?! Oh, I should lighten up?! Look who's telling who to lighten up!
Humorous Solutions to Marital Issues
Donkey
Oh, yeah, you're right. I'm sure nice BM is the perfect solution for marital problems!
Puss in Boots
Elfa Seltzer.
Shrek
Uh-uh.
Puss in Boots
Hex Lax.
Shrek
No. Try "handsome".
Puss in Boots
Sorry, no handsome. Hey, how about Happily Ever After?
[finds a blue potion bottle labeled; "Happily Ever After" in the restricted shelf]
Shrek
Well, what does it do?
Puss in Boots
It says "Beauty Divine".
Donkey
In some creatures, donkeys are revered as the wisest of all creatures. Especially us talking ones.
Shrek
Donkey! Then we'll have to. We got company.
Donkey
Will you get on with this.
Shrek
Hurry! Nice catch, Donkey.
[Puss pulls the blue potion]
Puss in Boots
Finally! A good use of your mouth.
Shrek
Come on!
A Fairytale Twist on True Love
Prince Charming
Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the King and Queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land, everyone was happy...until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's Keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... ...In all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her...
[his first words; narrating in his smoking, romantic, luscious, lustrous, regal, soothing and sexy voice; the scene shows a tall slightly muscular Prince Charming in a a cuirass and armor with a Red cape riding on his white horse; he rides through a forest, snowy mountains and barren desert for several days,arrives at the Dragon's Keep, an ominous castle surrounded by a moat of lava, but sees that the wooden bridge leading across the lava was destroyed by the Dragon. Uses his bow to shoot a roped arrow to a wooden post on the other side and uses it as a zipline. Looks up at a tower that rises above the rest of the castle, a light shining from its window. He enters the Dragon's Keep; takes off his helmet showing his drop-dead gorgeous pretty slim face, bewitching blue eyes, high cheekbones, fair skin, pronounced smashing jawline and strong chin, thick exquisite stunning blonde eyebrows, elegant graceful slender pointy nose and his lips covered in cherry flavored glitter lip gloss forming an alluring bonny winsome ravishing pulchritudinous irresistible and heavenly smile; unties his hairnet and shakes in slow motion his beautiful, majestic, glossy, gorgeous, shiny, silky, lustrous, glorious, flowing, marvelous, wavy, smooth, soft and ricocheting neck length blonde hair; sprays perfume in his mouth to have a good breath; continues through the abandoned castle and reaches the princess' tower. enters the princess' room and makes his way to her bed where a figure lays down, obscured by the bed's curtains, pulls the curtain and gasps; the figure is no princess--it's Big Bad Wolf.]
Big Bad Wolf
What?
Prince Charming
Princess... Fiona?
Big Bad Wolf
No!
Prince Charming
Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?
Big Bad Wolf
She's on her honeymoon.
Prince Charming
Honeymoon? With whom?!
Morning Greetings and Headaches in Shrek 2
Jill
Good morning, sleepyhead.
Maidans
Good morning! We lover your kitty.
Shrek
Oh, my head.
Puss in Boots on Charging for Services
Puss in Boots
You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money.
Unexpected Chaos at the Dinner Table
Fiona
Oh! Excuse me.
[lets out a loud belch that interrupts a conversation]
Shrek
Better out than in, I always say. Eh, Fiona? That's good enough... I guess not.
[he and Fiona laughed; they stopped laughs after neither Harold nor Lillian join in]
Donkey
What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am. Hey! What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. You know I had the hardest time finding this place.
[from another room; bursts into the scene from the kitchen; sits next to Harold]
Harold
No, no! Bad Donkey! Bad, down!
[angrily]
Fiona
No, no, no, Dad! Dad! It’s all right! It’s all right. He’s with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.
Donkey
Yup, that's me: the noble steed. Hey, waiter! How ‘bout a bowl for the steed?
[to the server]
Shrek
Oh, boy.
[slurps from the bowl]
Fiona
Um, Shrek?
Shrek
Yeah? Oh, sorry! Great soup, Mrs Q. Mmm!
Fiona
No, no, no. Darling.
[demonstrates that the bowl he ate from is for washing his hands]
Shrek
Oh.
[chuckles]
Lillian
So, Fiona, tell us about where you live?
[as the rest does the same]
Fiona
Well, Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey?
[to Shrek]
Shrek
Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and...cute little duckies and--
Donkey
What?! I know you ain’t talkin about the swamp!
[laughs]
Shrek
Donkey.
[clenches through his teeth]
Harold
An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original.
[Donkey dunks his mouth in his bowl and drinks]
Lillian
Well, I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children...
[Harold starts choking on his drink and Shrek accidentally swallows his spoon. They both cough, choke and splutter until Shrek spits out his spoon onto the table.]
Shrek
It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it?
[chuckles]
Harold
Indeed. I just started eating.
Lillian
Harold!
Shrek
What's that supposed to mean?
Fiona
Dad, it's great, okay?
Harold
Well, for his type, yes.
Shrek
My type?!
[offended]
Donkey
Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
[starts to leave, nervously]
The Chef
Dinner is-a served!
[he and a host of servers enter the room with dinner, including a whole turkey, lobster, and a roast pig]
Donkey
Never mind, I can hold it.
[sits back down; The servers set the food on the table.]
The Chef
Bon appetit!
Donkey
Oh, Mexican food! My favorite!
Lillian
Well, let's just not sit here with our tummies rumblin', everybody dig in.
Donkey
Don't mind if I do, Lillian!
Harold
So, I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be--
[pulls the lobster towards himself before Donkey can take a bite out of it]
Shrek
Ogres? Yes.
[pulls the turkey towards]
Lillian
Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?
Harold
Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't EAT your own YOUNG!
[ferociously and savagely stabs the knife into the lobster; ferociously and savagely slices open the lobster]
Fiona
Dad!
Shrek
Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who've been… LOCKED away in a tower!
[ferociously and savagely rips off both drumsticks from the turkey; ferociously and savagely takes a bite out of one drumstick in his left hand]
Fiona
Shrek, please!
[begging]
Harold
I only did that because I love her.
Shrek
Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle?!
[ferociously and savagely pulls out a wish bone from the turkey]
Harold
You wouldn't understand! You're not her father!
Lillian
It's so nice to have the family together for dinner. Harold!
[Shrek and Harold stand up from their seats in rage and glare at each other, then ferociously and savagely tug over the roast pig in the middle of the table, accidentally sending it flying upwards]
Fiona
Shrek!
Shrek
Fiona?!
Harold
Fiona!
Fiona
Mom!
Lillian
Harold!
Donkey
Donkey!
[happily; The roast pig lands on the table in front of Donkey and Lillian with a thud; Fiona angrily stands up and glares at Harold and Shrek, then runs out of the room, causing Harold to become enraged and Shrek to sigh]
Puss in Boots Offers His Services
Puss in Boots
Hmm. You have engaged my valuable services. Your Majesty. Just tell me where i can find this ogre.
Reunion of Familiar Faces in Shrek 2
Harold
So, what's new?
Fairy Godmother
You remember my son Prince Charming?
[to Harold; showing him sitting next to her]
Harold
Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
Prince Charming
Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower--
[enraged]
Fairy Godmother
Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess… is already married!
[cuts him off; to King Harold, using the same tone he used earlier]
Harold
I mean, it wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time.
[stammers]
Fairy Godmother
STOP THE CAR! Harold... You forced me to do something I really don't want to do.
[the carriage screeches to a stop; two of her henchmen crack their knuckles and the window rolls down]
Harold
Where are we?
[gasps]
Fast-food Clerk
Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?
[cheerfully]
Fairy Godmother
My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. Uh, okay. Two renaissance wraps, no mayo... chili rings...
Prince Charming
I'll have the medieval meal.
Fairy Godmother
One medieval meal and, Harold, curly fries?
Harold
No, thank you.
Fairy Godmother
Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want?
Harold
No, really. I'm fine.
Fast-food Clerk
Your order, Fairy Godmother. And this comes with the medieval meal.
[gives Fairy Godmother their meals; also gives her a free double-headed toy axe]
Fairy Godmother
Here you are, dear. You see, we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part.
[gives the axe to Charming; the carriage flies away]
Harold
Indeed not.
[sighs deeply]
Fairy Godmother
So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
Harold
Yes.
[doubtfully]
Fairy Godmother
Oh, believe me Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter. But for your kingdom.
[takes a bite of her wrap and talks with her mouth full]
Harold
Well, what am I supposed to do about it?
Fairy Godmother
Use your imagination.
[tosses the double-headed toy axe into his hands]
Fiona's Thoughts on Freedom and Fairytales
Fiona
Dear dairy, Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while, must be like some finishing school or something. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my handsome Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family and, we'll all live happily ever after.
A Declaration of Love by Shrek
Shrek
But I love her.
['''Fairy Godmother''': If you really love her, you'll let her go.]
Potion for True Love's Happiness
Shrek
Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine.
[reading the potion bottle]
Donkey
You both will be fine?
[confused]
Shrek
I guess it means it'll affect Fiona too.
[opens the potion bottle]
Donkey
Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. So why don't you just drop that jug o voodoo, and let’s get out of here.
Shrek
It says, "beauty divine". How bad can it be?
[sniffs the potion and sneezes]
Donkey
A-ha! See, You're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub all over your chest, think again!
Puss in Boots
Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion… allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you.
Donkey
Oh, no, no. I don’t think so. If there'll be any animal testing, I’ll do it. That’s the best friend’s job. Now give me that bottle.
[Donkey snatches the potion bottle from Shrek's hands with his mouth, which starts drinking it, but Shrek snatches it back from Donkey.]
Shrek
How do you feel?
Donkey
I don't feel any different. Do I look any different?
Puss in Boots
You still look like an ass to me.
Shrek
Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys. Well, here's to us, Fiona.
Donkey
Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back.
Shrek
I know.
Donkey
No more wallowing in the mud?
Shrek
I know.
Donkey
No more itchy butt crack?
Shrek
I know!
Donkey
But you love being an ogre!
Shrek
I know! But I love Fiona more.
[sighs]
Donkey
Shrek, no! Wait! Got to be... Shrek, I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion.
[Shrek swallows the potion, then feels his stomach gurglin'. Donkey and Puss hides behind the rock, then Shrek farts.]
Puss in Boots
Maybe it's a dud.
Shrek
Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be.
Donkey
Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die! Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy! I'm melting! I'M MELTING!!
[rain starts pouring, soaking the trio and getting them wet]
Shrek
It's just the rain, Donkey.
[Donkey chuckles, they head to a barn for some shelter. The blue ooze from Shrek's sneeze reaction on the mushroom transforms into a flower rose.]
Prince Charming's Vow of Vengeance
Prince Charming
What?! Where is he, mum? I shall rend their heads from their shoulders! I will smite them where he stabs. He will rue the very day HE STOLE MY KINGDOM FROM ME!
[raises his sword due to the incident of Fairy Godmother's potion factory]
Recognition of a Good Effort
Shrek
Nice catch, Donkey.
['''Puss''': Finally. Good use for your mouth.]
Shrek's Determination to Reach the Castle
Shrek
There it is, Mongo, to the castle! No, no, no, no, no, no, ?
[?]
Regret Over Past Decisions in Shrek 2
Doris
There you go, boys.
Puss in Boots
Just leave the bottle, Doris.
Doris
Hey, why the long face?
Shrek
It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place.
Puss in Boots
I hate Mondays.
Donkey
I can't believe you're just gonna walk away from the best thing that happened to you.
Shrek
What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming.
Donkey
Aw, come on, Shrek. Is he really that bad?
Doris
Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels.
Puss in Boots
Oh, he sounds dreamy.
Shrek
You know, shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys, it's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins.
[sighs]
Donkey
Except you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona.
Shrek
Aye. And that's why I have to let her go.
Harold
Um, excuse me. Is she here?
Doris
She's, uh, in the back.
Harold
Oh, hello again!
Facing Darkness and Uncertainty Together
Donkey
Shrek, don't worry. Things seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. It'll be better in the morning. You'll see. The sun'll come out... Tomorrow... Bet your bottom...
[Puss hisses; sings, then gets dizzy]
Shrek
Bet my bottom?
Donkey
]
[[w:Sanford and Son|I'm comin', Elizabeth!; faints]
Shrek
Donkey? A-Are you all right?
Puss in Boots
Hey, boss. Let's shave him.
Shrek
D-Donkey...?
[gets dizzy; groans and faints, Puss yowls off-screen]
Seeking Help for an Ogre Problem
Harold
Uh, no, you must be mistaking me for someone else. Uh, excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. Ah. There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of.
Ugly Stepsister
Who's the guy?
Harold
Um, he's not a guy, per se, um, he's an ogre.
Ugly Stepsister
Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There’s only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly… he don't like to be disturbed.
Harold
Um, where could I find him. Uh...hello?
[heads to the backroom and knocks, slowly opens the door; sees a pair of black boots beside the shining window]
Puss in Boots
Who dares enter my room?
Harold
Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. But I was told that you are the one to handle an ogre problem.
Puss in Boots
You are told correct. But for this i charge a great deal of money.
Harold
Would this be enough?
[A coins of bag sets the sack on the table]
Puss in Boots
Hmm. You have engaged my valuable services. Your Majesty. Just tell me where i can find this ogre.
[grins]